Part of the reason I have been so upset with Rachel's diagnosis and feeling so responsible is because for a good year before I got pregnant with her, I made HUGE strides to live a healthier life...I gained a lot of weight with each pregnancy and never lost it, so by the time I had Josh, I was huge and ready for a change. I joined Weight Watchers and learned to eat healthier. I joined the YMCA and regularly exercised three times a week. I lost 70 pounds by the time I got pregnant with Rachel. I was 10 pounds lighter than when I got married and 20 pounds lighter than when I got pregnant with Benjamin. I felt great and had TONS of energy. I was regularly taking my vitamins.
We also were being very proactive about living healthier. I wrote a post about this before, but we got rid of a lot of everyday chemicals. I grew a garden. I line-dried all my clothes.
Even after we found out about her birth defect, I exercised every day, cut out sugar (as much as possible) and ate healthy. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I have never done drugs. I don't even take cold medicine or drink caffeine.
Overall, this should have been (and was) my healthiest pregnancy.
When Rachel was born (and even before, in utero) the doctors continued to be amazed by how well she was doing. Yes, she had Spina Bifida and Hydrocephelus, but she was, by far, the healthiest "birth defect" baby they had ever seen.
Before Rachel's birth, we were told she would be in the hospital for at least a week but probably two. She came home in less than a week. She probably could've come home sooner but because of the weekend, the people we needed to see to get her out of there were not available.
We were told the her surgery would be within the first few days of her life. It was done within 8 hours of her birth.
Rachel scored a 9 out of 10 on her Apgar score and no one ever scores a 10.
Rachel never had any pain medication after her birth (except for once it was given as a preventative measure).
Rachel NEVER cried from the pain.
Even now, our doctors are amazed at how well she is doing.
Here's my point, at times I have been so down, feeling responsible for Rachel's birth defect. I tried to do everything possible but still failed.
Maybe I need to start looking at it as all the good I did for Rachel. Maybe her condition would've been much worse if I hadn't been so proactive? Maybe instead of feeling responsible for her defect, I should start taking some responsibility for her health. I was just thinking...
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((())) Mom's give themselves such anxiety over their kids. I won't lecture you, because I do the same thing. I watch Joel, and how wonderful and sweet he is....but I also see that he is slow and behind his sisters (they babble, say first words....he barely coos like a 3 month old should. He's being closely monitored). I worry over him constantly, I blame myself for not giving him enough room to grow.
The truth is that Rachel is EXACTLY the way God wants her to be. I firmly believe that special needs kids are very special to Him.
I don't know yet what the future holds for Joel. He may have many problems, he may not....I DO know that whatever happens I will partially blame myself (comes with the territory I guess?!?!?). You are a great mom, and you are doing what she needs the most...a mom to love her, cheer & pray for her, and be her advocate.
I wish I could help more, but we are in the process of watch and wait with Joel, which is driving me insane. I want to be proactive, and I can't.
Sorry so long. I just don't have words.
I can understand what you are writing. I have always been a nut when pregnant about health, I have come to learn though that it only gives us the illusion of control. Yes, we need to do what we can to give our children a good start, but ultimately the control lies with Him. Each of our children IS who god intended for him or her to be. That is the bottom line.
It is hard for me to accept sometimes because two of my boys did not live, especially when I see moms who DO do drugs or smoke who have healthy babies.
I have just come to the conclusion that we do what we can but ultimately it is in His hands. Rachel is the exact person God intended and she is beautiful and perfect, just as each of your children are, and you are the mommy God chose for them for good reason.
God never gives us more than He will help us to handle. Don't let Satan lessen your effectiveness with your children by plaguing your mind with doubts and guilt. You are a great Mom, and I am proud to know you!
Oh, and your kids are adorable! (if we didn't live at opposite corners of the state, we could get together to play!)
:)
Rachel is a gift. You didn't earn her, you didn't pay for her, you didn't go to the child store and pick her because of her pretty packaging or her accessories or the extended warranty.
You could no more control her condition than you could control the color of her eyes.
There are a million and one things you do have influence over, and it's clear you have those things WELL under control. But her condition isn't one of them, either through your actions or inactions. Give yourself a break and lessen the load on yourself. Guilt isn't another bag you need to carry every day.
steph
I am always amazed at how kids can handle things when we are falling apart. I have seen this with my Josh. He has been my healthiest kid (he had anitbiotics for the first and only time a couple of years ago.) Yet he is the one who has seen the most drs., specilaist, therapist. He's the one who has had the most tests. And through it all, he has never really complained. I think we can learn a lot from our kids!
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