A Year Ago

I did not write about this on the actual date, I don't even know the actual date, though I know it is the Monday after Thanksgiving.
It was a year ago, that day, that the midwife walked into the exam room with a plastered smile on her face and asked me if I had any problems or questions for her. I asked her about the sonogram I had just had. It was then that she closed the door and said, "It's not good. It's very bad" and the world as we knew it changed forever.
It is still very hard for me to remember and relive that day. So, you see why it's not something I want to commemorate.
Thankfully for us and by the amazing mercy and grace of God, the entire outcome was different than what we were originally told. (In case you aren't following me here, I am talking about the day we got the diagnosis that our unborn daughter Rachel would not live.)

Here is my recollection of that day.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2007
We were scheduled for a routine sonogram to find out the baby's gender. I really wanted to know this time, but John didn't, so I joked that he wasn't invited to the sono. In fact, he thought he had a meeting that morning and might not make it. I was not even expecting him to be there.
My mom was able to come babysit the other kids, otherwise I would have taken them with me, which I had every appointment up to that one.
On my way into the doctors, I had a list of things to do after, not having the kids with me. One of my errands was to drop off my library books. I had a little bit of extra time and went back and forth as to whether to drop them off. I thought, "I should drop them off now, because I won't want to when I get the bad news..." I had no idea where that idea came from.
John did show up for our appointment. We were taken back for the sono and at first, everything appeared great. The technician checked out the heart and tummy, and then she got really quiet and kept looking at something. I asked her a few questions, but she seemed distracted. At one point she asked me if I had had any of the genetic testing offered to me. Because I was over 35 this pregnancy, I was offered a number of genetic tests. John and I discussed this and decided against any special testing, thinking, "The possibility of a problem because I am this 'magic age' is so remote."
When the sono technician handed the video tape back to me, her hands were shaking so badly, she couldn't put it back in the case. I knew something was up.
She sent us back out to the waiting room to wait for our doctor appointment. I said to John that something was wrong. I just knew it. At that time, I saw the technician run from one side of the building to the other, where the doctor's offices were.
After a short time we were called back to a room and the routine things were done, blood pressure, weight.
I have always seen the midwives at the practice and had an appointment with one of my favorite, who has been with me through every pregnancy since Benjamin.
She came in and asked if we had any questions for her. I said yes, about the sonogram. She said she had some information about that and that it was bad, very bad. She said that the baby girl was not developing properly, that she had hydrocephelus and a sacral teratoma. Basically, her brain and spinal cord were not developing properly and that her condition was not compatible with life. She would not be able to survive outside of the womb, and that we needed to consider termination.
John and I were completely shocked. My first reaction was not anger or denial, it was "Help me God." She said that they were sending me to a genetic specialist in Pittsburgh immediately. In fact, another nurse was calling right then for an appointment.
A lot of it is still a blur, but I remember Peggy telling me that there was no hope, but maybe God... And I remember as she was telling me this, the nurse was standing behind her shaking her head no. I had the greatest (the only time) urge to slap the nurse across the face and say to her, "You don't know what God can do."
John was supposed to go back to work and I was to run our errands, but plans got changed. I drove home in shock. John had something he had to do and then he came home.
I really don't remember much about the rest of that day, except moving from room to room not sure what to do.
I did call Benjamin's teacher who graciously prayed with me on the phone. I called my closest friend from high school. I called my closest friend from college who had just had her baby girl a few days earlier.
And then we tried to sleep, but it would not come. I wanted to send out an email. I felt that I needed as many people praying for this baby as possible, so I think that night is when we sent out our first letter.

This is the first email I sent out.
As many of you know, we are expecting baby #4 in April. We learned some devastating news yesterday. The baby girl is not developing properly, her brain. The dr's said that it is a condition "not compatable with life", meaning, I'm not even sure what. They are immediately sending us to a specialist in Pittsburgh (Wed morning appt) for further testing.

We desperately need your prayers. The dr's gave us little to no hope, but I know that God is able to do miraculous things, and that's really what we need now. We need people to pray for this little girl. Please ask God to work a miracle.

We really need your prayers too. Who knows what kind of choices we might need to make.
We are very confident and secure in God's love and working in this whole situtation, but continue to remember us., PLEASE! Melanie